Introduction
The words parents use with their children have lasting effects on emotional wellbeing, behaviour, and self‑esteem. Research in developmental psychology and child psychiatry demonstrates that repeated exposure to negative language can alter a child’s self‑concept and contribute to mental health problems later in life (Hart & Risley, 1995; Sroufe et al., 2005). This extended article explores five harmful phrases to avoid, why they are damaging, and what parents can say instead. It is written in a natural, human‑like style for SEO purposes while maintaining Harvard‑style academic referencing.
1. “Why can’t you be more like your brother/sister?”
Why it is harmful
Comparisons within families foster sibling rivalry, resentment, and diminished self‑worth (Feinberg & Hetherington, 2001). Children internalise these comparisons as evidence of inadequacy, which can predict later anxiety and depression.
A healthier alternative
Focus on individual strengths: “I appreciate how hard you tried on this—let’s think together about how you can improve next time.” This supports self‑efficacy and resilience (Bandura, 1997).
2. “Stop crying, it’s not a big deal.”
Why it is harmful
Dismissing emotions communicates that feelings are unimportant, which undermines emotional regulation development (Gottman et al., 1996). Long‑term, emotional invalidation is linked to difficulties in managing distress.
A healthier alternative
Validate emotions: “I can see you’re upset—do you want to talk about what happened?” Validation strengthens parent–child attachment and builds emotional intelligence (Denham et al., 2003).
3. “You’ll never succeed if you keep doing that.”
Why it is harmful
Global statements of failure create a fixed mindset and discourage perseverance (Dweck, 2006). Children may give up rather than see mistakes as learning opportunities.
A healthier alternative
Promote growth mindset: “Mistakes help us learn—what could you try differently next time?” Encouraging effort and process predicts better academic achievement and emotional resilience.
4. “I’m disappointed in you.” (overused)
Why it is harmful
Occasional disappointment is natural, but repeated use can cultivate shame, which research shows is strongly associated with depressive symptoms (Tangney & Dearing, 2002).
A healthier alternative
Criticise the behaviour, not the child: “That choice wasn’t safe—let’s think of a better one for next time.” This separates self‑worth from behaviour, promoting accountability without eroding self‑esteem.
5. “Because I said so.”
Why it is harmful
Authoritarian communication without explanation limits a child’s ability to develop autonomy and reasoning skills(Baumrind, 1991). This parenting style is linked with poorer emotional outcomes compared to authoritative approaches.
A healthier alternative
Explain decisions at a developmentally appropriate level: “We can’t stay out late because your body needs rest for school tomorrow.” Explanations support internalisation of rules and self‑discipline (Grusec & Goodnow, 1994).
Conclusion
Language is a powerful parenting tool. Avoiding these harmful phrases and adopting evidence‑based alternatives helps foster secure attachment, emotional intelligence, resilience, and healthy self‑esteem in children. Over time, consistent positive communication strengthens both the child’s mental health and the parent–child bond.
FAQs
Q: What is the impact of negative language on child development?
Repeated negative phrases can harm self‑esteem, emotional regulation, and increase risk of anxiety and depression.
Q: How can parents encourage resilience in children?
By validating emotions, encouraging effort, explaining rules, and focusing on strengths rather than comparisons.
Q: What is a growth mindset and why is it important?
A growth mindset is the belief that abilities develop with effort. Research shows it fosters resilience and lifelong learning.
References
- Bandura, A. (1997) Self-efficacy: The exercise of control. New York: Freeman.
- Baumrind, D. (1991) ‘Effective parenting during the early adolescent transition’, in Cowan, P.A. & Hetherington, E.M. (eds) Family transitions. Hillsdale: Lawrence Erlbaum, pp. 111–163.
- Denham, S.A., Mitchell-Copeland, J., Strandberg, K. et al. (2003) ‘Parental contributions to preschoolers’ emotional competence: Direct and indirect effects’, Motivation and Emotion, 27(1), pp. 65–86.
- Dweck, C.S. (2006) Mindset: The new psychology of success. New York: Random House.
- Feinberg, M.E. & Hetherington, E.M. (2001) ‘Sibling differentiation in adolescence: Implications for behavioral genetic theory’, Child Development, 72(5), pp. 1261–1274.
- Gottman, J.M., Katz, L.F. & Hooven, C. (1996) Meta-emotion: How families communicate emotionally. Mahwah, NJ: Lawrence Erlbaum.
- Grusec, J.E. & Goodnow, J.J. (1994) ‘Impact of parental discipline methods on the child’s internalization of values: A reconceptualization of current points of view’, Developmental Psychology, 30(1), pp. 4–19.
- Hart, B. & Risley, T.R. (1995) Meaningful differences in the everyday experience of young American children. Baltimore: Paul H. Brookes.
- Sroufe, L.A., Egeland, B., Carlson, E. & Collins, W.A. (2005) The development of the person: The Minnesota study of risk and adaptation from birth to adulthood. New York: Guilford Press.
- Tangney, J.P. & Dearing, R.L. (2002) Shame and guilt. New York: Guilford Press.
