Written by: Therapy Near Me Editorial Team
Clinically reviewed by: qualified members of the Therapy Near Me clinical team
Last updated: 07/12/2025
This article is intended as general information only and does not replace personalised medical or mental health advice. Learn more about our Editorial Policy.
Envy is a two‑person emotion (I want what you have). Jealousy is a three‑person emotion (I fear losing someone to a rival) (Parrott & Smith, 1993; Smith & Kim, 2007). Envy comes in two flavours: benign envy can motivate self‑improvement, while malicious envy fuels pull‑down behaviours (Van de Ven, Zeelenberg & Pieters, 2009; Lange & Crusius, 2015). Jealousy ranges from normal/episodic to problematic, shaped by attachment style, communication, and relationship norms (Pfeiffer & Wong, 1989; White & Mullen, 1989). Both emotions intensify with social comparison (especially online) and improve with reappraisal, skills practice, and clear conversations(Gross & John, 2003; Kross et al., 2013; Verduyn et al., 2015).
Envy vs jealousy at a glance
| Feature | Envy | Jealousy |
|---|---|---|
| Social structure | Dyadic: me ↔️ other person | Triadic: me ↔️ partner ↔️ rival |
| Core appraisal | Another has a desired advantage (status, looks, role, achievement) | Threat of loss/exclusion from a valued relationship |
| Typical feelings | Pain at gap; resentment; admiration (benign envy) | Anxiety, anger, sadness; vigilance; urge to protect |
| Motivation | Level up (benign) or pull down the other (malicious) | Protect / regain attention, affection, status in the relationship |
| Common triggers | Promotions, awards, lifestyle posts, body image | Flirting, secrecy, reduced responsiveness, boundary breaches |
| Helpful response | Goal focus, learning, gratitude, limit comparisons | Clarify agreements, communicate needs, build security, repair |
(Smith & Kim, 2007; Parrott & Smith, 1993; Van de Ven et al., 2009; Pfeiffer & Wong, 1989.)
The psychology in brief
- Envy arises when upward comparison threatens self‑esteem or status (Smith & Kim, 2007). Experiments distinguish benign envy—linked to effort and learning—from malicious envy, linked to derogation and sabotage (Van de Ven et al., 2009; Lange & Crusius, 2015).
- Jealousy is evoked by perceived rivalry and the possibility of exclusion from a valued bond. It includes cognitive, emotional and behavioural components (Pfeiffer & Wong, 1989) and is shaped by attachment(anxious/avoidant), prior betrayals, and relationship scripts (White & Mullen, 1989; Harris, 2003).
- Brains on envy/jealousy: envy activates regions involved in social pain and conflict monitoring; a rival’s misfortune can activate reward circuits—one reason social media can be so sticky (Takahashi et al., 2009).
Social media, status and the comparison trap
Frequent upward comparison online predicts lower subjective wellbeing, with envy mediating the effect in several studies (Kross et al., 2013; Verduyn et al., 2015). Curated feeds exaggerate other people’s wins, priming either benign envy (inspiration) or malicious envy (resentment). Reduce exposure to toxic comparison loops and follow accounts that spark learning, not longing.
Is jealousy always bad?
No. Mild, episodic jealousy can flag attachment needs and prompt boundary setting or reassurance. But chronic or controlling jealousy—surveillance, accusations, isolation—erodes trust and may indicate coercive control or past trauma that needs professional support (White & Mullen, 1989; Harris, 2003). If safety is a concern, seek specialised help.
Self‑check: which emotion is this?
Ask:
- Is there a rival? If not, it’s likely envy.
- What’s under threat—status or belonging? Status → envy; belonging → jealousy.
- What do I want to do next? Improve self (+benign envy), pull them down (−malicious envy), or protect a bond (jealousy).
- Will action align with my values? If not, pause and re‑plan.
Use brief measures to track patterns: the Dispositional Envy Scale (Smith et al., 1999) and Multidimensional Jealousy Scale (Pfeiffer & Wong, 1989) are commonly used in research.
Evidence‑based ways to cope
If it’s envy
- Name the flavour. Say “I’m feeling benign envy” to prime learning goals (Lange & Crusius, 2015).
- Switch to process focus. Break the gap into skills you can train; schedule small, repeated actions (Dweck, 2006).
- Reappraise the comparison. Ask: “What’s invisible about their effort/privilege?” “What part is relevant to my values?” (Gross & John, 2003).
- Gratitude + approach. Pair a 2‑minute gratitude jot with one approach step (email a mentor, practise a rep).
- Trim the feed. Mute accounts that trigger malicious envy; follow instructional feeds.
If it’s jealousy
- Check facts vs stories. Separate evidence from interpretation; challenge “mind‑reading”.
- Attachment‑aware scripts. “When messages go unanswered overnight, I feel anxious and start to worry. Could we agree on a quick ‘busy’ text?”
- Clarify agreements. Define boundaries around privacy, friendships, ex‑partners, porn, flirting, socials; write them down and review.
- Repair swiftly. If a breach occurs, use DEAR MAN (Describe, Express, Assert, Reinforce; Mindful, Appear confident, Negotiate) to address it, then agree on prevention (Linehan‑informed; Pfeiffer & Wong, 1989).
- Address roots. If jealousy is linked to past betrayal/trauma, targeted therapy (e.g., CBT, EMDR, schema/attachment‑focused work) can help (Hofmann et al., 2012; Cusack et al., 2016).
When envy turns toxic (malicious envy)
Warning signs: schadenfreude, derogating rivals, sabotaging, or chronic bitterness. Countermoves:
- Non‑zero‑sum reframes (others’ wins can expand opportunities).
- Mentoring or apprenticeship moves (turn a rival into a teacher).
- Values re‑anchoring: focus on contribution and mastery instead of status metrics (Lange & Crusius, 2015).
When jealousy needs more than self‑help
Seek professional support if you notice:
- Surveillance/controlling behaviours, frequent accusations, or coercive control.
- Panic or rage states during triggers; sleep loss and intrusive thoughts.
- Repeated boundary ruptures.
Therapy can target cognitions (catastrophising, mind‑reading), build communication, and integrate traumawhere relevant (White & Mullen, 1989; Hofmann et al., 2012). Consider couple sessions when safe and desired.
A 14‑day reset plan
- Days 1–3: Log triggers; tag each as envy‑benign, envy‑malicious, or jealousy. Start 2‑minute breathing + reappraisal daily.
- Days 4–7: Draft or revise relationship agreements; practise one assertive script. Curate your social feeds.
- Days 8–11: For envy: pick a micro‑skill and put in 20 minutes/day. For jealousy: schedule connection rituals(check‑ins, shared time).
- Days 12–14: Review patterns; decide if you need individual or couple therapy. Book with a registered psychologist if stuck.
FAQs
Is envy the same as admiration?
No. Admiration lacks the pain of upward comparison. Benign envy includes discomfort but channels it into self‑improvement (Van de Ven et al., 2009).
Is jealousy proof the relationship is wrong?
Not necessarily. Occasional jealousy is common. It becomes a problem when it drives control, isolation or aggression.
Why do I feel worse after scrolling?
Curated feeds intensify upward comparisons; envy mediates drops in wellbeing (Kross et al., 2013; Verduyn et al., 2015). Trim triggers and add learning‑focused content.
Do men and women get jealous about different things?
There are mixed findings. Some evolutionary studies report sex‑linked patterns; other work suggests individual differences (attachment, norms) explain more variance (Buss, 2000; Harris, 2003).
Getting help (Australia)
TherapyNearMe.com.au offers Telehealth psychology nationwide and home visits in select areas. Ask your GP about a Mental Health Treatment Plan for Medicare rebates, or discuss NDIS where appropriate. Call 1800 NEAR ME.
References
Ben‑Ze’ev, A. (2000) The Subtlety of Emotions. Cambridge, MA: MIT Press.
Buss, D.M. (2000) The Dangerous Passion: Why Jealousy Is as Necessary as Love and Sex. New York: Free Press.
Cusack, K., Jonas, D.E., Forneris, C.A., Wines, C., Sonis, J., Middleton, J.C. et al. (2016) ‘Psychological treatments for adults with PTSD: a systematic review and meta‑analysis’, Annals of Internal Medicine, 165(12), pp. 757–767.
Dweck, C.S. (2006) Mindset: The New Psychology of Success. New York: Random House.
Gross, J.J. & John, O.P. (2003) ‘Individual differences in two emotion regulation processes: Implications for affect, relationships, and well‑being’, Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 85(2), pp. 348–362.
Harris, C.R. (2003) ‘A review of sex differences in sexual jealousy, including self‑report data, psychophysiological responses, interpersonal violence, and morbid jealousy’, Personality and Social Psychology Review, 7(2), pp. 102–128.
Hofmann, S.G., Asnaani, A., Vonk, I.J.J., Sawyer, A.T. & Fang, A. (2012) ‘The efficacy of cognitive behavioral therapy: a review of meta‑analyses’, Cognitive Therapy and Research, 36(5), pp. 427–440.
Kross, E., Verduyn, P., Demiralp, E., Park, J., Lee, D.S., Lin, N. et al. (2013) ‘Facebook use predicts declines in subjective wellbeing in young adults’, PLoS ONE, 8(8), e69841.
Lange, J. & Crusius, J. (2015) ‘Dispositional envy revisited: Unraveling the subtypes of envy’, Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 41(2), pp. 284–294.
Parrott, W.G. & Smith, R.H. (1993) ‘Distinguishing the experiences of envy and jealousy’, Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 64(6), pp. 906–920.
Pfeiffer, S.M. & Wong, P.T.P. (1989) ‘Multidimensional jealousy’, Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 6(2), pp. 181–196.
Salovey, P. (ed.) (1991) The Psychology of Jealousy and Envy. New York: Guilford.
Smith, R.H., Kim, S.H. (2007) ‘Comprehending envy’, Psychological Bulletin, 133(1), pp. 46–64.
Smith, R.H., Parrott, W.G., Diener, E.F., Hoyle, R.H. & Kim, S.H. (1999) ‘Dispositional envy’, Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 25(8), pp. 1007–1020.
Takahashi, H., Kato, M., Matsuura, M., Mobbs, D., Suhara, T. & Okubo, Y. (2009) ‘When your gain is my pain and your pain is my gain: Neural correlates of envy and schadenfreude’, Science, 323(5916), pp. 937–939.
Van de Ven, N., Zeelenberg, M. & Pieters, R. (2009) ‘Leveling up and down: The experiences of benign and malicious envy’, Emotion, 9(3), pp. 419–429.
Verduyn, P., Ybarra, O., Résibois, M., Jonides, J. & Kross, E. (2015) ‘Do social network sites enhance or undermine subjective well‑being? A critical review’, Social Issues and Policy Review, 9(1), pp. 274–302.
White, G.L. & Mullen, P.E. (1989) Jealousy: Theory, Research, and Clinical Strategies. New York: Guilford.
For confidential appointments with a registered psychologist, visit TherapyNearMe.com.au or call 1800 NEAR ME. We provide individual and couples therapy via Telehealth Australia‑wide and home visits in select areas.
