“Cold feet” is a common term used to describe pre-wedding jitters, anxiety, or second thoughts before a significant life event, such as marriage. For brides, these feelings can manifest for a variety of reasons, ranging from personal anxieties to societal pressures. This article explores the psychological factors behind why brides might experience cold feet, the impact of relationship dynamics, and strategies to address these feelings.
Keywords: Why do brides get cold feet, Cold feet before marriage, Pre-wedding jitters, Anxiety before marriage, Bride’s cold feet, Managing pre-wedding stress, Relationship doubts before marriage, Mental health and wedding planning, Commitment anxiety in brides, Psychological factors in marriage
The Psychology of Cold Feet
From a psychological perspective, getting cold feet can stem from several underlying factors. Anxiety before a major life event like marriage is a natural response to change, especially when that change signifies a long-term commitment (Larson 2002). According to cognitive-behavioural theories, the mind perceives marriage as a “permanent” decision, leading to uncertainty and doubt (Beck 2011).
Commitment Anxiety
One of the primary reasons brides may experience cold feet is due to commitment anxiety. Marriage is a lifelong partnership, and for some individuals, the gravity of this decision can trigger fears about making the wrong choice or losing personal autonomy (Murray et al. 2006). This anxiety can be exacerbated if there is a history of commitment issues or if the relationship has experienced instability leading up to the wedding.
Expectations and Pressure
Societal and familial expectations can also contribute to feelings of doubt. Brides often face immense pressure to have the “perfect” wedding and to fulfil certain roles as a wife, which can lead to feelings of inadequacy or fear of failing to meet these expectations (Holman & Li 1997). In some cases, cultural or family expectations about marriage and gender roles can add another layer of stress, causing brides to question their readiness for marriage.
Perfectionism and Decision Paralysis
Brides who exhibit perfectionist tendencies may feel overwhelmed by the decisions they must make surrounding their wedding and marriage (Flett & Hewitt 2002). This perfectionism can lead to decision paralysis, where the bride is fearful of making a wrong choice, which in turn triggers cold feet. Brides may question whether their partner is truly “the one,” doubting their ability to make a perfect decision amidst the pressure.
Relationship Dynamics and Red Flags
Relational Anxiety
Beyond personal anxieties, cold feet can also be a reflection of concerns within the relationship itself. According to Gottman (1994), unresolved conflicts or poor communication between partners may surface as the wedding day approaches, intensifying fears about the future. Brides may begin to evaluate their partner’s behaviour, focusing on potential red flags, such as lack of compatibility, frequent arguments, or unaddressed emotional needs.
Uncertainty About Future Compatibility
Concerns about compatibility and long-term happiness may also contribute to cold feet. Research shows that couples who enter marriage without addressing core differences in values, goals, or lifestyle preferences are more likely to experience post-marital dissatisfaction (Larson 2002). The pre-wedding period can amplify these concerns, making brides question whether they have chosen the right partner for a lifelong commitment.
The Impact of Stress and Wedding Planning
Wedding planning is often a stressful process, and for many brides, the pressure to organise a perfect event can take a toll on their mental health. Research suggests that the stress of wedding planning can lead to heightened anxiety and emotional exhaustion (Holman & Li 1997). Brides may become so consumed with the logistics of the wedding that they start to lose sight of the emotional and relational aspects of their decision, leading to feelings of uncertainty and doubt.
Stress and the Fight-or-Flight Response
Psychologically, stress activates the body’s fight-or-flight response, which can manifest as anxiety or avoidance (Lazarus & Folkman 1984). For brides under immense stress, cold feet may be a physiological response to the overwhelming nature of the wedding and marriage, making them question whether they are making the right choice.
How to Address Cold Feet
Open Communication
One of the most effective ways to address cold feet is through open and honest communication with a partner. Expressing concerns and discussing anxieties can help alleviate fears and allow both individuals to feel more secure in their decision (Gottman 1994). Pre-marital counselling can also provide a safe space to address underlying relational issues and develop stronger communication skills before the wedding.
Managing Expectations
Managing personal and societal expectations is also critical in reducing wedding-related anxiety. Recognising that no marriage is perfect and that imperfections are part of the journey can help brides reframe their anxieties (Beck 2011). Focusing on the relationship rather than the event itself can also shift the emphasis from external pressure to internal satisfaction.
Self-Care and Stress Management
Engaging in self-care and stress management techniques, such as mindfulness, relaxation exercises, or talking to a therapist, can help brides manage pre-wedding stress (Kabat-Zinn 2003). By reducing overall stress levels, brides can gain greater clarity and emotional balance, making it easier to distinguish between normal pre-wedding jitters and serious doubts.
Conclusion
Cold feet before marriage is a common experience, especially for brides navigating the complexities of commitment, societal pressure, and relationship dynamics. By understanding the psychological roots of these feelings and addressing them through communication, stress management, and expectation-setting, brides can approach their wedding day with greater confidence and emotional readiness. While it’s natural to feel anxious before a major life change, open dialogue and self-reflection can help turn cold feet into warm, lasting commitment.
References
- Beck, JS 2011, Cognitive Behavior Therapy: Basics and Beyond, 2nd edn, Guilford Press, New York.
- Flett, GL & Hewitt, PL 2002, Perfectionism: Theory, Research, and Treatment, American Psychological Association, Washington, DC.
- Gottman, JM 1994, What Predicts Divorce? The Relationship Between Marital Processes and Marital Outcomes, Lawrence Erlbaum Associates, Hillsdale, NJ.
- Holman, TB & Li, B 1997, ‘Premarital factors influencing perceived readiness for marriage’, Journal of Family Issues, vol. 18, no. 2, pp. 124–144.
- Kabat-Zinn, J 2003, Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction (MBSR), University of Massachusetts Medical School, Worcester, MA.
- Larson, JH 2002, The Marriage Quiz: College Students’ Beliefs in Selected Myths About Marriage, Journal of Family and Consumer Sciences Education, vol. 92, no. 5, pp. 45-60.
- Lazarus, RS & Folkman, S 1984, Stress, Appraisal, and Coping, Springer Publishing Company, New York.
- Murray, SL, Holmes, JG & Griffin, DW 2006, ‘The benefits of positive illusions: Idealization and the construction of satisfaction in close relationships’, Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, vol. 81, no. 4, pp. 580–593.
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